How Social Networking is Single-Handedly Destroying Communication
by
Carol McCall, Ph. D., M.C.C

You post on Facebook and tweet on Twitter. Are you truly connecting? Everyone wants to be heard, yet is anybody truly listening? There is a huge difference between “hearing” and “listening”. I have spent almost five decades “listening” to people. What’s the difference then between “hearing” and “listening”?
It’s Impossible to Listen and Multi task
Well, for one thing , the Webster definition, hearing is to perceive or apprehend by the ear; to gain information by hearing. I have met numerous, talented people who “claim” to listen while they are doing other things; texting, balancing checkbooks, talking on the phone, writing a report due in the next few minutes…and are able to repeat verbatim what you just said. And you know what, they take great pride in referring to themselves as “good/great listeners”. So what’s my point? These individuals are hearing. Listening “requires” the listener to yield to the moment as a whole authentic person. So what is that suppose to mean? It means the listener commits him/herself to the conversation going on NOW. It (listening) “requires” the listener to focus on what the speaker is saying without judgment, opinion or being superficially cooperative. This type of listening is supported by a law in physics, which states “no two things can occupy the same space at the same time.” I have challenge hundreds of people to “focus” on two things AT THE SAME TIME. Illusionist need not apply. Do it and let me know how it works out!

The Egocentric Downsides of Social Media

OK! so back to Facebook et al. Are you truly “listening/focused” when you’re tweeting, texting or doing something else? K.I.S.S.=Keep It Simple Sweetheart. The “right” answer is NO! As a matter of fact, tweeting, texting, doing anything else except listening to the speaker is one of the most disrespectful, dismissive behaviors a person can do while someone is speaking to them. What this behavior communicates is “I’m not interested in you, only in ME and what’s on my agenda at this time which is more important than you”. If this is your intention, then the message is covertly and sometimes not so covertly received and people’s reactions/responses begin to change and not necessarily in your favor. Yeah, yeah, I know “but everybody is doing it”…and…studies are indicating that more and more individuals are becoming increasingly “indifferent” to the mishaps of every day life, as evidenced by the group of youth that witnessed a brutal rape as passive bystanders. Researchers at the University of Michigan found that kids today are 40 percent lower in empathy than their counterparts 10 or 20 years ago. As one researcher put it, “The ease of having “friends” online might make people more likely to tune out when they don’t feel like responding to others’ problems. A recent study laid out in the New York Times revealed “feelings of hurt, jealousy and competition are widespread” among children of parents who obsess over cellphones, instant messaging and Twitter at the expense of familial engagement. Is that the result of using social media? Think about it! Social media was designed to provide efficiency, effectiveness and connection. It was designed to “augment” our ability to be in touch with each other. It was NOT designed to replace the individual and it was designed to have us as individuals flow more fluidly. However, Social Media has devolved to using “sound bites” for “communication”, that’s passivity and egocentricity. Texting uses abbreviated words like “omg, btw and other shorthand. How is this “communication”? I had to ask my 15yr old granddaughter what was “omg” and “btw”. She was “gracious” enough to bring me up to speed…and not over the internet. We had a person-to-person call.

Men Listen Differently from Women and You Better Know The Difference

“The Face book” was started by Mark Zukerberg on February 4, 2004 while a student at Harvard University.
The intention was to have Ivy League students easily identify and network with each other. While the idea may have been for “communication”, maybe the “cry” to connect however the practice of using Facebook has quickly devolved into a superficial indulgence in what’s going on in my life and now let me “sell-you-something” because I’ve shared something personal”. Face book and Twitter have become collector boutiques. I have heard and read people stating they have thousands of “friends” and “followers”. Unless you are a celebrity who has thousands even millions of “fans”, ( even Britney Spears doesn’t call her fans “friends” she calls them “tweet hearts”) how do you “listen” to thousands of “friends”? Ashton Kutcher promoted a “contest” to attract 1 million people to follow him on Twitter. That’s a collector’s action. When I was told I was “followed” by Jane X, I inquired, “what is she “following” me for and what do I tweet now?” Back to Social Networking; are you a collector’s item? Are you a “bottom-line-it”? Men “listen for” how-to-fix, provide, produce, perform, the bottom line. Women “listen for” how-to-relate, take care of, nourish, advocate, include. While both genders exhibit some behaviors from either side, I consistently hear the number one complaint from women about men is that “men don’t listen”. The male gender is “information wired”. I assert that Mark Zuckerberg’s interest was not in “listening” and interested in the “free flow of information. In all fairness, the number one complaint from men about women is “she wants to change me, she doesn’t accept all of me.” What’s my point? Well, is Social Media set up for “listening”? I say NO! Social Media is set-up for information through sound bites. Yes! I recognize there are discussion forums on many of the Social Media sites…and… are you “heard”? Do you come away from those forums with the satisfaction that YOU have been “heard” and your message has made a difference in your life and the lives of others?
The Nine Tools of Empowered Listening
Over the past five decades, I have found nine tools that dramatically impact the quality of communication, especially one’s ability to listen. The simple practice of three of them literally transforms one’s ability to effectively communicate. It is possible to discover the “lid/filters” that color our listening and communication and how come we only hear 25% of the message and “make-up” the remaining 75%. The nine tools are: brevity, acknowledgement, empowered listening, being heard, boldness, intuition, 99:1/MSUsm , completion and stop-the-drama. Listening is the “core” of communication. When you really listen, you don’t have to “worry” about your lines, you’ll know what to say because you’ve been “listening”!

About Carol McCall
For almost five decades, Carol McCall Ph.D., M.C.C. has been teaching people how to communicate better. This educator, edutainer, therapist, business executive and entrepreneur has reached over 2 million people through her public workshops, corporate clients and performance coaching practice. She is the author of Listen! There’s A World Waiting to Be Heard., e-book and MP3 series.

Contact: Dr. Carol McCall (415) 992-8089 (CA) or 1-888-966-8339
drcarolmccall
www.listeningprofitsu.com

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